To say that I’m terrified is an understatement. Mortified gets us a little bit closer to feeling, but still doesn’t encompass it. Scared to death… a phrase that encompasses only some of the feeling that I have. Afraid of failure–and wishing that quitting was a viable option… now that’s more like it.
It all started when Garrett and I visited Maine this last weekend. From the time that Garrett applied for a job in Maine, I figured that it would never work out, so I never really worried about it. When Garrett told me that he was having interviews with them, I began to be concerned, and then when he asked me what weekend we could visit, the fear really started to set in. A worship/youth pastor position in Maine? That’s three days drive from mom… 2 days drive from Cedarville… and not at all where I want to live. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself.
But things got really scary during the visit, because Garrett and I quickly fell in love. The people at the church are some of the most welcoming and genuine we’ve met. The area is gorgeous, and we can’t seem to shake the lure of the slower kind of life from our desires. Not to mention, their accents make them completely endearing.
And so, I’m afraid. Afraid of what the future will hold–afraid that I won’t be able to handle it. All of the sudden, bills, marriage, moving, managing, and new jobs are on the horizon, and I can’t help but feel completely unprepared. I know this is the point where I should be inserting some “God will be there” typical saying, and though I believe that, getting my heart to remember that has been a different story. But I do need to keep reminding myself that God will provide for us, that he has been so faithful throughout our entire lives, and that he will continue to watch over us and use us as he sees fit. I’m really afraid of being used by God, because I’m afraid I’ll disappoint him. But like Gar always tells me, “God doesn’t just give you the keys to salvation, and set you on your own. He’s with you every step of the way.” He’ll have to be, because I don’t think I’ll make it if He’s not.
Well said Kylee! Excited to see where God guides and directs. Have a great graduation and congrats!